Ant Rules

I was at a social event tonight discussing the ant issue with other ant-o-phobes. Actually, I may be the only phobic person, the others are merely admitting to a violent dislike. I was aware that not everyone has studied these creatures like I have. And there are several rules you need to know about ants. In case there was any misunderstanding, I am talking about the half inch giant black ants, not the minuscule grease ants. My ants are wily. Here are some rules to live by if you see any of them around.

1. If you see one ant on your counter, you have to know that there may be 300 of them somewhere else. The one you saw is the look out. If he lives long enough to signal his little ant buddies, that's when chaos ensues. Suddenly they are all over the place, running willy nilly hither and yon. Kill the look out.

2. If you send someone to dispatch the ants, you must always view the body. Those that are more of the 'live and let live' mentality do not always realize the enormity of the problem and may allow them to escape. Thus, demand to see the body. This applies to all insects who may cross your path.

3. Even if you have squashed the ant beyond recognition, they sometimes exhibit an almost bionic trait and can still pinch and I am pretty sure, come back to life. Thus, you must flush them, no exceptions. Even drowning them in a puddle of ant spray is no guarantee of death.

4. NEVER SHOW MERCY! It will be viewed as a sign of weakness.