Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Good Deals

I get these emails all the time for special reduced fares on airlines. They usually get the delete button faster than it takes the squirrels to discover peanuts in the feeder. But this time I thought, well let's just see what you can do for me on a flight between where we live and where my parents live. Now, it's only about 400 miles, and is about a 50 minute flight, normally. We usually always drive it in around 6.5 hours, depending on number of stops and so on. However, there have been issues lately and a need to go more often. So, let's just see. I typed in the itinerary, and waited while it was thinking. The 'good deal' they could offer me was a flight that would take about 5 hours, due to 2 layovers that were wildly out of the way. And for this gloriously lengthy flight, and 2 plane changes, I was privileged to pay around $550. Normally it's around $299. Well, I guess THAT website is not all it's cracked up to be.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Pain Level 1

Bionic man has wild eyebrows. No one would dispute me here. From time to time I suggest that he get them professionally groomed. He scoffs at such decadence. He says they are a distinctive part of his persona as a scientist.*(See the mad scientist in Back to the Future) However, once in a blue moon, I can't stand it anymore when one of those recalcitrant hairs starts to impede his vision. Do you put a barrette in it? I think I could have braided and beaded these this morning. So I very quietly got up from breakfast to fetch a pair of tweezers. (By the way, I have found THE best tweezers ever invented, Uncle Bill's Silver Gripper, The tweezers with Pin Point Precision). I arrived back at the table, tweezers in hand, and announced that several of those brow hairs had to go. Reluctantly he agreed I could operate. After pulling 2, and showing him the offenders, he looked at me with sad eyes and said, "Am I bleeding?" I asked him on a scale of 1 to 10, what his pain level really was and he admitted it was only a 1, which, when you think about the incident in the emergency room when he broke his hip and told the nurse his pain level was only a 2, is pretty enormous. He also admits he must have been in shock when he said that.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Lowest Common Denominator

My curling iron died last week, when I was out of town. You soldier on. However, it was interesting to note the pile of warnings and disclaimers. First thing was on a separate piece of white paper, written in red ink. "The high performance heater in this unit contains an oil-based protective coating which will burn off with initial use and may emit smoke and an odor. This is completely normal." Good to know.

Then there was a little smaller heavier piece of white paper with those circles with lines through them on the front and back. "Caution this product can burn eyes" and "Warning, Burn Hazard. Keep Away from Children." I'll leave the actual diagrams to your own imaginations. Sometimes that's more fun. You know, a face, with the curling iron poked right into it.

Then came the instruction booklet. Even better. "Never use while sleeping." Think of the time you could save. "This curling iron is HOT when in use. Use the handle." "DO NOT use while bathing." Again, another timesaver we can't do. Wow!


Friday, November 11, 2011

Voting Day

Last week I was part of the process. I worked as an election judge. This election was definitely not a major one. Only one person was running for city council, and then there was the school board. Even though decisions the school board makes will influence the next generation of children, no one bothers to educate themselves on the candidates. So I worked 15 hours that day and we had a grand total of 85 voters. But while we were not being busy, my coworkers at the poll were a little questionable. One older lady had to have been high on something, or maybe she was wearing too many nicotine patches. She was literally bouncing off the walls, dancing, singing. And one of the others was urging her on, all the while telling awful jokes and making puns out of everything. It was a very long day.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Daylight Savings Time

Tonight is the night I look forward to all summer. We get to change our clocks backwards, thus giving us an extra hour of sleep. First of all, I know this is just a government ploy to make us all grateful that they are giving us 'extra' time, when in reality, it was they who stole it from us months ago. The reason they moved the dates on DST is because they think we won't remember. But I remember.

That being said, one year I was in Phoenix on the fateful day when the time changed back. I've been tired ever since. They don't do DST there. It's the only state in the union who doesn't, I think, except for pockets of rebels in Indiana. So, there I was, stuck somewhere where I couldn't get my hour back, and by the time I got back home, it was too late. Don't be like me. Never be in AZ when DST returns to normal time.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Air travel

We just returned from being gone 2 weeks. I apologize for being remiss about entries for those of you fans of mine. I think I may have 2 now. I can't take you for granted so I will strive to be more regular.

I have a few observations from my trip. I noticed that on the back of the plane seats there is a little warning message, "Fasten seat belt while seated". Thank goodness for that remonstrance. I tried fastening my seat belt while I was standing once and it really did not work. For one thing I couldn't stand up completely, I kept bumping my head. And the belt really wasn't long enough to fasten while I was standing up, not to mention I had a terrible time trying to find the ends while I was bumping my head. NOW I know the correct procedure.

Then the second thing was "Use seat bottom for flotation." Now that is getting a little too personal. How do they know my bottom is big enough for flotation? At least it vgave me something to ponder.

And did you know that if you want to spend the extra money they will give you extra leg room? What they don't tell you is that if you don't pay the extra money, they scrunch the seats together tighter and penalize you.

It reminded me of the episode of Eek the Cat where he is flying coach and sneaks up and peeks in the first class area. He is seated, by the way, between 2 very obese individuals and you can't even see his face. Up in first class everyone is lounging around a swimming pool with cocktails and food. As we were piling out after our 9 hour flight, walking past first class, we noted that they had little footstools, robes and slippers, and nice fuzzy blankets. Really.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

This and That

McDonald's is now advertising for their new Monopoly game, ongoing. I know it is supposed to make me feel better about playing when they say one in four players is a winner, but somehow it makes me feel worse, knowing that even with those odds I am losing.

Bionic Man brought his 'tree' in the house this week, in a pot, on a roller stand. The leaves turned yellow and started falling. So, now I have to rake my living room?! Something is not right here.

Also with autumn come the Wooly Worms, or as some refer to them, Wooly Bears. They have always been a favorite thing of mine. So we had 3 of them which we took down to our grand daughter since she likes caterpillars. Danny and Steve and Bob were doing fine until their plant started to die. It's sad really. They may be released into the wild now.


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Chapter 7 and another ant sighting

Did you ever play freeze tag when you were a child? I was in the bathroom yesterday and there was a 'frozen' ant on the floor in front of me. Now, I suppose if he were standing on dirt he might have been camouflaged and I wouldn't have seen him, but he was standing on white tile. I guess he wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer and thus had been chosen to be the look out. I just wanted you to all know that the war is still being waged.

And on another front, we had concert tickets last Friday, downtown, me and 'Mr. I don't need no stinkin' handicap parking permit.' He conceded on that one after 8 weeks. But, get this, he is all excited now that we can park in a handicap spot, so there we are roaming the streets searching out the elusive handicap spot. Yay!! We found one. It's only a mile or so away from the concert site. But we park there anyway, BECAUSE WE CAN!! I tried to tell him that I thought he was missing the point here.

Monday, September 5, 2011

grilling on the carpet

Traveling south for the Labor day weekend I must have been tired. Interesting ads kept popping up on the radio. The first one was for some carpet cleaning service. I can't remember the exact quote, but it was something like this: "After all your summertime grilling, you're going to want to get your carpet cleaned. You should call 1-800-why did I grill in the living room?" I was pondering that one and wondering how many in the listening audience actually had their grill in the living room, or on the carpet anywhere, when the next ad came on. It was for mud jacking your sidewalk. Now I'm not entirely clear on that concept to begin with but they started out by saying that "You don't want those unsightly large holes in your sidewalk." And I was thinking "No, I'd rather have sightly small ones in mine." Clearly I'm not the target audience on these ads, and perhaps I'm listening to the wrong radio station. I need a product that keeps ants out of my hummingbird feeder. But then again, maybe this is part of the all out frontal assault.



Thursday, August 25, 2011

Spiders in Helicopters

If you have been following me this summer you know I have been carrying on a war with the ants in the neighborhood. They have brought in reinforcements. I was minding my own business, working at the table here, when suddenly, a teensy spider caromed off the ceiling, or out of an equally teensy helicopter, and dangled right in front of me. Fearlessly he attempted to wage a frontal assault. I smashed him to smithereens, heartlessly, and in cold blood. He was summarily flushed. That was on Sunday.

Then yesterday, before I had my glasses on, the general descended. I had to call in support. This one was much larger and required braver soldiers than me to dispatch it. But, he was wily. Bionic Man thought he had squashed it sufficiently and tossed him carelessly into the trash. But I knew. This might not be the end of him. He had curled into a ball, which is what they do. I insisted Bionic Man find the body for me later. Sure enough, he was attempting to climb out of the trash using five of his eight legs, three of which were broken. You have to give him a purple heart or something just for being wounded in action and another medal for valor, carrying on even though injured, but he has gone to his final resting place now.

And I must maintain vigilance!!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

All Is Not Lost

This summer I have been involved in a consumer research panel involving, from the best I can ascertain, a company that is trying to sell vegetables to non-vegetable eating people. By this I mean that they send me these vegetables to sample. They are always covered in some sauce or spice, probably to mask the flavor of the veggies. I've been steadily panning these offerings, and still they continue to send them. Here's the pattern: 1. I get an email informing me that the vegetables will be delivered that day. 2. The vegetables arrive in this cute little styrofoam container with an adorable cold pack in the bottom. 3. Inside the container is a $10 bill and instructions, all very secret, telling me the deadline to send in the response. 4. I send in my response and a week later we repeat. I feel like an industrial spy. Today my 8th box came.

Now here's the rub. My last survey was due in last week but they never sent it to me. I have been bemoaning the fact that I would never become independently wealthy now because they would drop me from the panel. I am so excited to still be a part of this historic study. And deciding what I shall do with all this money is mind boggling.

Stay tuned.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Chapter 6 and other misadventures

It occurred to me this morning that I had never published the staple incident. This happened a month or so ago, but I felt I must include it in my ramblings.

Over the Fourth of July weekend, which would have been 2 weeks following the infamous accident, Bionic man was complaining that his staples were bothering him. Normally, I am told, staples are removed within a week or so of surgery. He did not have an appointment with his orthopedist until the 9th of July. What to do. I vetoed his plan to pull them out himself, even though he protested that he had one of those tools in his arsenal somewhere. I thought since we were going to Iowa over the Fourth that perhaps we should deal with it before we left on Sunday. There had been so many issues to deal with just because the original incident had happened in SC and we lived in MN, I didn't want even more confusion over something else possibly occurring in IA. Since we needed something on a Saturday, we were phone ferried around all creation, only to discover that our orthopedist has an emergency/after hours place to go. We went there. It was pretty cool because it was small and we didn't have to wait 14 years to see someone like you would have in an ordinary emergency room. There was another wife waiting for her husband. I asked her what he had done. She said he has one prosthetic leg and had gone roller blading!! and had fallen and hurt his real knee. You can't make this stuff up. Sure enough, when he came out he was wrapped from ankle to thigh and hopping on his prosthetic leg. End of my story--we got the staples out and now his leg looks like it has a zipper on the side. It'll be cool for Halloween.

Second topic: hair product. I couldn't find my regular hair gel at Walmart the other day. I bought something different. This morning I decided that maybe I should try out the new stuff before I'm totally out of the old stuff, so if I don't like it I won't be stuck using it when my original gel expires. This is a nightmare. I knew right away when I was drying my hair that things were going to be different. My hair is all stiff and freaky today. I think I could do spikes. If you scratch your head, it sticks out there. It's like playdoh or something. I must go find the old stuff. Yikes!

Third topic: Squirrels. I actually feed my squirrels just so they stay away from my bird feeders, and it mostly works. But this summer we have had a raccoon problem. I do not want to encourage raccoons to come to my buffet. So, we have been putting the squirrel feeder inside the old gas grill at night. In the morning I must remember to get it out because the squirrels come mighty early for breakfast. And they sit at the window and give me castigating looks until I am guilted into getting it out for them. On Saturdays I am usually later than usual. When I went to get it out one of the little blighters was actually inside the grill eating. It totally freaked me out. I don't know who was more scared, him or me. So, we must find a new place to put it. Next time he could bite me. The cheekiness is something else.

And we have noticed that the squirrels like to lay in the feeder when it gets really hot and humid. I think the corn feels cold or something.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Banned for Life

I think I was nearly banned for life from Target today. I was at the pharmacy. For some people, they will already be nodding knowingly. My whole episode started a month ago when Bionic Man broke his hip. In fact I think I can safely blame this whole summer on him. But since I was in another state, and it really really looked like we weren't going to get home on schedule, I was going to be running out of my prescriptions pills. All of these national chains claim that in the event something like this happens, all you need to do is go to the local one and since they are all interconnected via their computer systems, it's really very easy to get the stuff you need. They were right, last month. So, this week, which is about a month later, I got the automated call saying my prescriptions were ready. I didn't bother listening to the entire message. I went over on Wednesday to pick them up. They acted like they had never heard of me before. Upon some searching they discovered that my prescriptions were all ready to pick up, in South Carolina. And since they were transferred down there, apparently, they would need to call my doctor who would have to reauthorize them. They would call me. Yesterday I got 2 calls, one from SC and one from here. The person in SC is more urgent this time. I went over to Target this morning. They have 1 of 3 ready. Only one doctor had responded. Well, all 3 were prescribed by the same doctor, only, my doctor must have been out of the office the day they called some other time and so there's a strange name on one of the prescriptions. No one can explain why my doctor didn't authorize the second one with his name on it. So, I'm trying to explain the whole problem to this multi pierced girl with a spike on her head. Meanwhile, Bionic Man has collected his electrical tape and is standing about 6 feet behind me calling my name over and over. Between the piercings and the spike and the name calling I am losing my concentration. So, I turned around and told him to please shut up for a minute. There was an audible gasp. How could I speak to a man with a cane like that? And there were quite a few people in line by now. And that was when I nearly was banned. But I made Bionic Man promise to blame Target and the spiky headed girl for my demise, in my obituary.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Facebook

Those who know me are aware of my extreme dislike for facebook. Believe me, I have tried to make sense of this social network tool. This year I was told that if I wanted to find a bunch of addresses I needed for an anniversary thing I was working on, that FB was the way to go. I think I was on it for hours, sometimes, and was lucky to glean one or two addresses and a microbe of valuable information. I have abandoned it again. But today is my birthday. Imagine, I'm getting scads of birthday wishes from people. Mind you, some of these people probably wouldn't stop to help me if I was bleeding and unconscious in the street, but they wish me a happy birthday. Some wouldn't even recognize me if they bumped into me. So, I asked #2 daughter if perhaps there was a birthday button you just pushed, and automatically the happy birthday went out, or if you actually had to type the words in. She assured me that you had to type it in yourself. So, I was complaining about how long it would take me to respond to each of these people, most of whom are faux friends. I was informed that there is a way to offer an equally impersonal response to everyone. Simply update your status. So, now I can get greetings from faux friends and send a faux response back. One more thing I can love about FB.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Peeved by peas

I went to the Farmers' Market this week and purchased a basket of sugar snap peas. It was labeled that way, I assumed that's what they were. But when I went to fix them tonight, thinking I only had to wash them and cooke them, I discovered that they were really, regular peas. This meant that not only did I now have to open them all and dump out the peas, but instead of having a nice pan full of peas, I had 3 tablespoons of peas. Fortunately I did not fix them Thursday night when I had company for dinner. That would have been a tad embarrassing. "Here are your 4 peas. Sorry about that, but they were just regular peas, not sugar snap." And while I was opening them all up, the rice burned. Talk about adding insult to injury. I am really peaved! (I spelled it that way on purpose.)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Rocket in my Pocket

I hate my cell phone. This one was to be an improvement over the last one, and it simply is not. It seems difficult to use, not intuitive at all, clumsy. And the list goes on. My offspring have demeaned me because I am not forever linked to this gadget. Frankly, if I'm at home I usually don't have it on my person, and sometimes I forget to turn it on when I leave the house. My ringtone has been changed several times and finally is on one, that I do hear. It is also now fixed to vibrate while it rings. In all the readjustments it now is louder than ever and when I turn it on, and put it in my pocket it sounds like I have a rocket in my pocket. Now, THAT is cool.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Chapter 5--The Crutch Incident

If you've been following our little adventure, you know we are now in Minneapolis. We were literally squeezed on the standby flight. We were the last 2 passengers to pass through that special door. However, being the last 2, there was no longer any overhead storage. By then we are not thinking clearly and we allowed them to throw our carry on bags into 'the hold' where ordinary luggage resides. We forgot that all of Wayne's medications were in his carry on bag, including the injectable blood thinner and the sharps disposable container. And Wayne is in severe pain by now and we are both tired. Whereas there were skycaps galore in Greenville and Atlanta, we find, upon disembarking in Minneapolis, that nary a one can be found. It was "Here's your wheel chair. Good luck." I could push the wheel chair until we arrived at baggage claim. That was worrying me. I can't possibly push the chair and handle the luggage. But Bionic Man insists that he can wheel the chair himself.

Bionic Man did concede to getting one of those smarte cartes, which was HUGE for him, the King of Frugal. But we had 2 ginormous suitcases, one medium one, 2 small carry ons, a walker, crutches and his wheel chair. And, guess what, the carry on with the medications is missing. I am standing there wondering how I am going to manage all this stuff on one cart. I can pile up the bags and put the walker on top, but the carte isn't that smarte, and has a wheel that isn't working right. You must have gotten a grocery cart like that at one time or another, but I'll bet you didn't have 150 pounds of stuff in it. I am pondering what to do with the crutches, and whether we will get our bag or not. Bionic Man is saying he can put the crutches between the 2 largest suitcases and I'm telling him it won't work. So, down by customer service/baggage issues, we are arguing, and it begins to escalate. I stomp off to deal with the customer service person. While I am gone, Bionic Man stands up, and takes everything off the cart and re-stacks it with the crutches sticking straight out about 4 feet in front of us. I was livid when I returned to see what he had done. We did get our bag back, but the sharps container thing was smashed. So, all the way to the elevator we are arguing. And I am wrestling with the recalcitrant cart.

We get to the elevator and sure enough, the cart is too long to get into the elevator. If the wheel had been functioning I might have been able to finagle my way around in a couple of hours, but I could see immediately this was not happening in my life time. I am so upset now, that I am tossing bags into the elevator, off the cart, until everything is inside. (I wondered later if they caught us on the surveillance cameras.) When I turned around to push the button, I noticed a sweet family of 4 waiting, wide eyed, a witness to the entire debacle. I smiled at them and said, "I think there's room for you." The mother just said, "Thanks, we'll take the next one."


Saturday, July 2, 2011

More on the Ant Wars

The other day when I went to run some bath water there were 2 ants and a spider in the tub. I almost freaked out. It became evident that they were coming up the water pipe. That is how they enter the house. Tonight I plan to sit up with my night vision goggles on and my ant bazooka.

I think this is Chapter 4

Fast forward to 3 days later. Bear in mind that the physical therapist has been there on Monday and issued him a walker which he can barely move in. We're talking about imperceptible movement here. And Bionic Man still maintains he will be out the next day for the birthday party of Will's. He was discharged and that's another saga. But Thursday we are due to return home. I have many misgivings here. First of all, we have 2 ginormous suitcases, and a medium sized one, which we check, and 2 carry ons. But now we also have a walker and crutches, and I have to manage alone. (Hand to forehead, Scarlett style) Sure, we will engage a profusion of skycaps, smarte cartes and so on, but still the task seems daunting.

It started out okay. We were met by a cheerful skycap and wheelchair. We were told when we checked our bags, that the flight was delayed. (I don't want to incriminate anyone by naming names here, but the name rhymes with Melta) This has become a common occurrence on Melta. So, we sit at the gate to wait. About 45 minutes into the wait we are informed by the cute, perky voice on the speaker that the plane is broken and thus, the flight canceled. However, they have provided us a BUS to make the journey from Greenville to Atlanta to catch our connecting flights. Yes, folks, a bus. I'm not sure if everyone was stunned, or still checking their calendars to see if this was April Fools' Day, or what, but no one moved. So the perky voice informed us that we had 15 minutes to get to the bus or it would leave without us. As we ran to the escalators I happened to catch the last information. "Oh, you will have to get your bags at the baggage claim too." And Let me tell you, she never told us just where the bus was, only that we had to be there in 15 minutes. Because we were impeded by a wheel chair, I heard that last announcement. Others were not as lucky. So what would have been a 40 minute flight, turned into a 3 hour bus ride.

Of course everyone missed their connections. We were on a guaranteed flight at 10 pm. But we were also on a standby at 5:30. We had thought we'd be home by 4:30. When we arrived at the standby gate, Wayne proudly handed me 2 meal vouchers he had been issued, 'for our inconvenience', each valued at $6. Wow. In an airport you're lucky if $6 will buy you a bag of chips. I squandered mine on a smoothie. Wayne wasted his. He was saving it incase we didn't make the standby flight, and it expired that day. (Another hand to forehead) We did make it on the standby flight and were home around 7:30.

More in chapter 5 to come.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Chapter3--The bicycle mishap

Something has always bothered me about those clips bicyclists put on their bike shoes to connect their shoes to their pedals. I have always had these visions of falling while both feet were anchored steadfastly to their respective pedals and there would be nothing I could do to save myself. Just such an incident occurred to the Bionic Man. He had borrowed a bicycle from a friend that he might continue to train for his 450 mile ride next month. He had taken the bike out for a test drive, after fastening his feet securely to the pedals. He is used to his recumbent 3 wheel bike. On the 3 wheel bike you can barely move at all and still remain okay. I think he forgot he had to keep moving on a 2 wheel bike. So, as he rummaged for jelly beans in one of his jersey pockets, out in front of the house, he simply tipped over. I wish I I had a video. It must have been like one of those cartoons where the guy just tips over sidewise like a domino. Only, unlike the cartoon version, he actually hurt himself. He used his cell phone to call us, as no one was with him at the time. He said, "I'm lying in the road out front and it's not good." We all rushed over to the window to see. Sure enough, there he was. So we dragged him into the back seat of the car and hauled him over to the ER. Now, rule of thumb on an ER visit. When they ask you what your level of pain is, do not say "2". Bad idea. Of course it's best if you are bleeding profusely or unconscious, but allot of moaning is good too. But he says, "2". So we are shuffled off into the black hole to wait. Godzilla, the ER nurse, finally came to take him to Xray. She had the compassion of a Nazi on steroids, jerked him around, wouldn't let me help her, and off they went. Then there was the doctor who couldn't, by law, tell me anything about his condition, but he was somewhere around. 'Just wait here'. Bottom line was that his hip was broken. They would have to do surgery tomorrow. The orthopedic doctor came in, and drew a diagram of the broken bone and what they proposed to do. Realize that the southern drawl is not always comprehensible, and apparently they don't understand us either. Bionic Man asked to take a picture of his drawing to post on Facebook, and the doctor was somewhat taken aback because he thought Bionic Man wanted a picture of his groin. But eventually we got that all straightened out. And once he was settled in for the night I went home. As I was leaving, we noted that there was a chart on the wall with smiley faces attached denoting levels of pain. Bionic Man at that time said, with chagrin, I don't think I was ever a 2. That face looks too happy.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Chapter 2--Perky Hair

Before I delve into the topic of the day I would like to know if you know anyone who has driven by a toilet sitting by the side of the road and said, "Shazam! I could use a new toilet." and picked it up. I see them periodically and just wonder.

But back to our South Carolina encounter. I saw allot of people down there with perky hair and could not, for the life of me, figure out how they accomplished this feat. I felt like I was scuba diving most of the time, the air was so humid. I think my hair kind of hung in strings the whole time we were there, refusing to cooperate at all. But I saw some ladies with the perky thing going on. Must you use hairspray and gel by the bucket load, rendering your head a lethal weapon, or do you have to be born there to develop Southern Hair? I need help.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Trip To SC--Chapter 1

Last week I was in South Carolina visiting my grandchildren and those 2 people they live with. It was the fourth birthday of William and his mother had suggested that Grandma make some costumes for him. He likes to play at make believe and the costumes would be just the thing. Per the request, I made him a dragon/dinosaur costume, which was pretty awesome, if I do say so. I also made a knight costume which was enhanced by some purchased items. The last thing was a cowboy hat, and others contributed a 6 shooter, holster and belt. We were set. He tried on the knight first and announced that "Now I really need a horse." I agreed and suggested he get permission from his father. : ) But he wore the dinosaur costume most of the day. He had it on when we went to McDonald's for lunch. Upon reflection, however, he had me help him take it off before we went inside. "I don't want to scare the people in there." I thought that was really cute, and thoughtful of him.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Ant Rules

I was at a social event tonight discussing the ant issue with other ant-o-phobes. Actually, I may be the only phobic person, the others are merely admitting to a violent dislike. I was aware that not everyone has studied these creatures like I have. And there are several rules you need to know about ants. In case there was any misunderstanding, I am talking about the half inch giant black ants, not the minuscule grease ants. My ants are wily. Here are some rules to live by if you see any of them around.
1. If you see one ant on your counter, you have to know that there may be 300 of them somewhere else. The one you saw is the look out. If he lives long enough to signal his little ant buddies, that's when chaos ensues. Suddenly they are all over the place, running willy nilly hither and yon. Kill the look out.
2. If you send someone to dispatch the ants, you must always view the body. Those that are more of the 'live and let live' mentality do not always realize the enormity of the problem and may allow them to escape. Thus, demand to see the body. This applies to all insects who may cross your path.
3. Even if you have squashed the ant beyond recognition, they sometimes exhibit an almost bionic trait and can still pinch and I am pretty sure, come back to life. Thus, you must flush them, no exceptions. Even drowning them in a puddle of ant spray is no guarantee of death.
4. NEVER SHOW MERCY! It will be viewed as a sign of weakness.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

They're Ba-a-a-ack

Last week it happened. The ants are back. They have found me. Last time I was invaded I had to move, change my address, get a new hairdo, and essentially live undercover for 10 years. It is sort of like being in the witness protection program, only no FBI. But last week, as I was minding my own business, doing my email, I noticed him. He was standing perfectly still, staring at me, not 12 inches away. I think he thought if he stood completely motionless that I couldn't see him, so I played along. After about 10 minutes, he moved. It was nearly imperceptible. He started to lift his left front leg, and very slowly turn. I pretended not to see. Then it was the right leg. I knew he was about to make a break for it, and deftly made my move. He nearly got away as I was unaware of the uneven surface he was standing on, but I pinched him and then flushed him, the ultimate indignity. That was 6 days ago. Since then I have killed 12 more. It makes no difference to me that 'this is a bad year for ants', I don't want them in my house. And clearly, it's a bad year for ants at my house. I am hoping I don't have to change identities and addresses again. Stay tuned.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

closets

Walking into my husband's closet on some days is almost a surreal experience. It reminded me of a Salvadore Dali painting the other day. There was a pair of pants that appeared to be climbing over the rod. There was a shirt draped over the hamper, as if it was trying to climb in or out, one sleeve in the rest out. Shoes were sitting on the floor with socks lazily hanging out the top. Sometimes I think I've come upon them by surprise and they now have to pretend to be lifeless, when in reality, they aren't. It kind of creeps me out. And I wonder why it is so difficult for him to hang up the pants and put the shirt all the way in the hamper. But where would the fun be in that? Next month I am going to offer a course in the correct usage of a hanger. There is still time to sign up a loved one.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

shopping for deodorant

I was shopping for deodorant the other day and stumbled across 'clinical strength' deodorant which comes packaged in a box, not just sitting on a shelf with cellophane around it. It gave me pause. Exactly what does this mean? Do people in clinics sweat more? Can everyday ordinary people use this without permanent damage? Can you only use it in a clinic? Maybe it's the stuff you use after a mammogram. You know, they always tell you to not wear deodorant on the day of your mammogram. Maybe it's special mammogram deodorant. I threw caution to the wind and bought some of this special stuff and tried it today, even though I wasn't in a clinic, and wasn't getting a breast Xray. So far so good. I'll keep you posted.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

skeletal remains

We live in Minnesota, land of the truly hardy. However, we have experienced some unseasonably warm weather, or we did last week. As I was driving home I passed the skeletal remains of a sad sad little snowman. His happy days were gone. His little stick arms were dangling crazily off his indented body, and all he had left of a head was this pock marked monolith. The next day his head fell off. We will miss your jaunty smile.

But today it is snowing again. Last week there were those goofy individuals who were bopping around saying spring was here. We, the experienced, just smiled knowingly. It may SEEM to be here, but it's not.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

pajama jeans

Do you chortle along with me at the various infomercials on TV, mostly later in the evening? Then you go to You Tube and laugh at the spoofs. The newest thing is the Pajama Jeans they are selling. You know, they look like jeans, but they are soft and cuddly like sweat pants, so you can wear them to bed and then to a party. They must appeal to those people who walk into restaurants at the crack of 1 pm, wearing pajamas. This way you could do that, and no one would know, except for the fact that you didn't comb your hair, and the flip flops don't really speak to Minnesota in January. I was intrigued. Interestingly enough, there was a write up on them by a columnist in this Sunday's paper. She says that no matter who tried them on in the office, they fit. It sounds like the Traveling Pants. Do you suppose the books were prophetic? Still, pajama pants do sound interesting. What's next, pajama evening clothes? It might end up in those collections of Walmartians.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Revision from yesterday and more

I got the eye roll today, after Mr Science read the entry yesterday and he said something like, "That would NEVER have occurred to me." Well, sweetie, your explanation would have NEVER occurred to me. He says PSI stands for 'pounds per square inch', which is even more disconcerting than a prostate diagnostic. I suppose this is for those OCD dieters who must know their averages minute by minute. It disturbs me to know this is on my display.

But today I went out to lunch with 2 friends. It seems I was invisible, at least to our intrepid waiter, Pecan John. And that begs the question if he is really named Pecan, which isn't a far cry from other recent baby names I've been exposed to. The manager came by our table and asked my 2 dining partners if everything was fine with their meals, didn't ask me. When Pecan came by to offer refills, not only did they get coffee refills, but extra glasses of water. Was I offered a Coke? No-o-o-o. I got to the register, and both of them were asked if everything was okay, but not me. And people wonder why I'm paranoid.

So, the only conclusion I can draw here is that my PSI has gotten so low that I am undetectable to the naked eye.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

a different car

I am driving a different car. I say different, because it's not a new one, except to me. It's orange because I can't find my car in a parking lot if it's white, or red, or black. Orange I can find. I am acquainting myself with all the new features, one of which is an information button that will scroll through all sorts of interesting things, such as temperature, presumably the outside temperature, odometer, the condition of my oil, approximately how many miles I have left before I sputter out of gas on a back country road, and my PSI. Now, I always thought PSI was a test you took to determine the condition of your prostate, and I'm pretty sure I don't have one of those. But it sort of alarms me to think that by sitting in the driver's seat, the car is able to determine my prostate health. I suppose the next thing will be an in car mammogram. The mind reels.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Stupid things

I am pretty sure I'm not the only person in the universe who has done this particular stupid thing, but sometimes I am overwhelmed by something I do. I knew it was only a matter of time before it happened too. I was jamming too many pots and pans into the drawer underneath the stove. A handle got wedged in, in such a way that I couldn't open the drawer anymore. I suppose I could have taken this as an opportunity to eat out more often. Wayne is sure we will have to get a new stove and a new set of pots and pans. But all it took was a call to the repair shop. I fixed it soon after. I know, miraculous.

And life goes on.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

traveling cats

Lisa, my niece, emailed me today with exciting news. Purina Cat Chow is conducting interviews for people who would be willing to travel with their cat and blog about it. She thought I might be a likely candidate, since I do have a cat and I like to write. She doesn't know my cat. Feature this--Whenever I have an appointment for Sabrina either for the vet or the groomer, she always knows ahead of time, even though we never speak of it out loud, and I always write it in code on my calendar. When it comes time to leave, she's disappeared. Usually it is under my bed. There is only one side of the bed against the wall and yet she manages to scrunch up in the middle, against the wall. I had to crawl under the bed and grab her. And even though she has no front claws, she somehow grabs onto something, and we wrestle our way out. By now I'm covered in dust elephants, I've moved on from bunnies, and my hair is all askew. When I arrive at the groomers they aren't sure which one of us needs grooming more. And I think I failed to mention that we repeated this performance outside in the parking lot because she always manages to wedge her way under a seat before we arrive. I know what you are thinking. I should get a carrier. I tried that. It was always amazing to me that a 9 pound animal could make herself too large for a carrier. It became a 4 person job to get her in a carrier. And then when we get into the groomer's, she is wrapped around my neck like a mink stole. I am not certain I would want to repeat this on a daily basis over a period of time. I am sure she must have suffered some sort of unspeakable kittenhood trauma.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

search engines

Who would have ever dreamed I would be using 'search engine' in a sentence?

I was trying to place a grocery order online this afternoon. There were just a few little oddities. The way this particular website works, you can type in an item you are needing to buy, and a whole page of selections magically appears, presumably, various brands and sizes of the item you need. Can someone explain to me why, when I type in 'dishwasher soap', they present me with 'Ortega Taco Seasoning', 'Lean Cuisine Cheese Ravioli', and the best yet, 'Charmin Toilet Paper'? But when I tried to find bath soap, again one of my selections was 'Ortega Taco Seasoning', along with 'Pepperidge Farm Whole Wheat Hamburger Buns' and 'Northern Quilted Bath Tissue'. Now, it may be just me, but, seriously, something is wrong with the search engine. Either that, or they got a really good buy on Taco Seasoning and Bath Tissue, and they are hoping, by subliminal suggestion, to sell more of it. I guess I should have conducted further examination of the site. I wonder what the selection would be if I typed in Taco Seasoning.

One thing is certain. It has brought grocery shopping to a new, exciting level of interest. Trying to find appropriate items is always interesting.